Lake Issyk-Kul, Kyrgyzstan

Lake Issyk-Kul

“My boy friend is the youngest male in his family, and that concerns me,” Cholpon exclaimed over tea at Lake Issyk-Kul, “because it means that I will have to live in his parents’ house until they die. It is the custom here that the youngest male in the family stays home to take care of his parents in their old age. When I’m at home and my younger brother and I get into a fight, he often says, ‘get out of my house.’ He’s been encouraged to think that his role is to remain in the house to take care of our parents. Women are expected to be virgins when they marry. This is so engrained that women who find themselves deflowered before marriage will have their hymens stitched so they can present themselves pure to their spouses. The same requirement does not apply to men and that seems right to me. I’m 23 and will probably marry someone my age or older. I would not expect my husband to be a virgin. In fact, that would be very odd. A custom that I find weird though is that once a marriage is consummated relatives and friends often come to the spouse’s parent’s home to see the bride. The parents of the spouse, proud of their daughter-in-law’s virginity at the time the marriage was consummated, will hang out the wedding bed sheet with a tell-tale stain. Now, I think that’s pretty sick, but I’ve seen it with my own eyes. Every groom must also pay to marry. The average price is two to three horses — a horse is worth one to two thousand dollars. In return, the bride must provide a beautiful dowry, consisting of expensive handicraft, kitchen pottery, and furniture, almost equal to the cost of the horses. Once married, the bride becomes a member of the spouse’s family and is expected to live in their house for at least the first month, a period in which she is tested to see if she can cook, clean, and maintain the household. This can be quite stressful for the bride, so by tradition the groom’s family arranges for an adopting family to be available in the event the bride has problems and needs someone to talk to. It’s considered a special honor to be asked to be an adopting family, and to be asked seven times, means you can expect to go straight to paradise no matter what your sins have been. My parents now have been asked to adopt a bride three times.